"It's the most unhappy people who most fear change."- Mignon McLaughlin

This week I am going to shy away from the topic of exercise and talk about something a little more personal. Some people would see this topic as controversial. Some people may find it as a way to finally find peace and others may think that the only way to find peace is to change the way you are doing things in your life....Anti-depressants!

In January I noticed that I was changing, and not in a good way. I was always tired and moody and just didn't feel right. I didn't want to get out of bed and when I did get out of bed I would just lay on the couch all day. I didn't want to go anywhere and I didn't really feel like doing anything. Hell, I didn't even want to shower because it meant I had to get out of the shower and get dressed and blow dry my hair. I've had my share of ups and downs and times I didn't want to do anything but exercising always seemed to be my way of "self medicating". Before January I was able to get on the tred-mill and run and feel so much better after-wards. I was at the point that I was stuck in this vicious cycle of knowing that I needed to go to the gym to feel better but I lacked the motivation and energy to get there. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Then it all started to set in. I was becoming sadder and paranoid and just all around crazy. I would always worry and I wasn't sleeping. When I did sleep I would have crazy night-mares and wake up in half dreams. An example of what I call a half dream is where I wake up and I think I am seeing something on the bed, like a huge spider, and I jump out of bed and I can have a complete conversation with my husband but I am still dreaming. I've had these dreams in the past but they were starting to become a lot more frequent. So, one day I decided that I needed to get some help. I made an appointment with my doctor.

Now, getting medicated help isn't as easy as all the jokes make it out to be. I felt like I had to go through hoops and over hurdles to get help. Because I live in what is considered the "north region" for Tri Care, I am FORCED to see a military doctor no matter what, unless I am dieing, and then I can go to the emergency room. Well, if anyone has ever been to a military clinic it takes at-least a week to be seen and then they ask you to get there 15 minutes before your appointment time only to have you wait an hour after your appointment time. You can see the fun I had having a 2 year old, stress, and anxiety and having to wait over an hour to be seen. This was only half my battle though.

So, I get into the doctor and she is asking me all these questions... "do you think of suicide, how's your sleep, how do you feel, how many times a day do you feel sad, on a scale of 1-10, do you handle stress well, how do you sleep, do you have a problem with people and groups, blah blah". After about an hour of convincing her that I actually needed help and wasn't a junkie looking for crazy pills she decided to help me. Well, she first put me on Effexor and holy cow that messed me up. I was able to feel happy but I was always sick and sleepy. So, I basically became a very happy, bulimic, couch potato. Again, I went back and waited my hour and went through the song and dance of convincing her that it wasn't working and why and she gave me a prescription for Zoloft. Jackpot! Now, we did have a problem with giving me the right dose but finally go it right. Too much made me feel loopy and high and too little just wasn't enough. So now, I am a lot happier. I handle stress a lot better and I am seeing things in a more normal perspective. I feel like a normal person. I'm doing a lot more with my son and I can keep up with him. I try to take him to the park at-least 2xs a week and I am always wanting to go out and do something. I try to work out twice a day now and I always have enough energy that I could probably do it 3xs a day if I really wanted to. My sleeping has become better but I still need help sometimes and on those nights I use Lunesta.

The only problem I have ran into using Anti-depressants is the weight loss. I am not losing as much weight as I was before I was put on it. I average about a pound a week. I started doing some reading on Zoloft and side effects and if it causes weight gain, and it does in some people. Actually, most anti-depressants have either a weight gain or a weight loss side effect. Well, I haven't gained any weight, its just hard to lose weight. But, I'm not giving up. I am still going to work out like I have been and I am going to keep eating relatively healthy. I figure if I am only losing a pound a week it's better than gaining a pound a week, and I am very very happy now. So, to me its worth it!

"A year from now, you may wish you started today!"

     Okay, so I am on month number 6 now of my weight loss and I cant help but think "What If?". What if I didnt get lazy and stop exercising and eating healthy those few times, how skinny would I be now? Would I be at my goal weight or maybe even have lost more? What if I added the second work out of my day back when I started? What if I started this 10 years ago, would I have stayed fit and skinny and would I have been able to keep up with it? I have 19 pounds left until I reach my goal of being healthy and fit and about 29 pounds to reach the ultimate weight goal I have set for myself. Its not really that far considering I have come 40 pounds since I started. Even that blows my mind.. to think, I will have lost 70 pounds by the time I hit my goal. The act of doing it hasnt really been that hard, just keeping on track and motivated at times has. 

      I have gone through my moments of laziness and I dont know if that relates to depression or the fat girl in me. A couple months ago I took matters into my own hands (again and in a different way) and tried to get to the bottom of it. I was sick of laying on the couch and sleeping all the time and being cranky and moody. I knew working out would make me feel better and happier but I just couldnt get myself to the gym. It hurt to move or to even think about the gym. I even have a road bike set up on a trainer in my room and I couldnt even get my lazy ass on that! So, I went to the doctor and asked for help. I was put on and anti-depressant to help for the anxiety, stress, and depression I was having that was keeping me from life. (I will talk more about my journey with stress and depression in a later blog).

     Long story short though, I was able to get back on the tred-mill and bike again and start losing weight. Its been difficult but I am able to keep at it and not stop. I work out every-day no matter what, except for Sundays. People talk about cheat days and Sunday's have been selected as mine. However, I dont pig out and go crazy and lounge around in pj's all day. I have a choice... I chose to either eat one unhealthy snack and enjoy it but I have to exercise later that day, or I chose to eat healthy all day and skip my exercise for the day. So far its working. I am sick of wondering "What If". I dont want to wonder in 6 months from now how skinny or how in shape I COULD'VE been. I want to see the results!

No Fad Diets!

Since November I have gone through a lot of changes. Some big and some little. One of the biggest changes I have made with myself is losing 40 pounds. It hasn't really been that hard to DO just hard to stay on track. Yes, I have fallen off the horse and had my share of bad food and lazy nights but somehow, I manage to pull my butt up and do it again. How'd I do it? I didn't join any trendy health clubs like weight watchers or Jenni Craig. I didn't buy any books or go on any fad diets like the south beach diet or Atkins. Actually, the only thing I have spent was 10 bucks on a computer for my bike so I could track my mileage. All I have done is work out and eat better. I cut back my calories to no more than 1500 calories a day and I watch how much fat I eat and the type of carbs that I eat. And yes, I do eat carbs. I have been working out twice a day. Usually I go for an average 30 minute bike ride (sometimes 45 minutes if i am feeling good) in the late morning and then I am off to the gym in the evening. At the gym I run/walk for 30 minutes (always run more than walk) and then I hop on the bike and ride for 20 minutes. I am also doing 60-75 crunches, push-ups until they hurt, and then extra leg and arm strengthening workouts. In total, I work out about 2 hours a day. Also, the little things, when added up help: parking further away from the store, playing with my son, dancing, going to the beach and playing in the waves, etc... I also find that window shopping is nice. Its a little motivation to want to lose more weight so I can wear all the cute little clothes. I am keeping it up and I only have about 15 more pounds to go! I am hoping to reach my goal by June 15th.
I have also made some changes in my life. I am bettering myself. I have let go of the unnecessary stress and I am seeing things in a whole new light. With this new lifestyle of working out and eating better I am feeling better about myself and loving myself more. I have let go of insecurities and doubts. I have a new found love and respect for my husband and I am very very grateful for him and the things he has done. He is a wonderful amazing person! Of course, I am sure he feels a little smothered with all the love and attention I am giving him now but I just cant help myself. Letting go of all my worries and becoming a normal individual I feel like I have a whole new world that has opened up to me. I am happy I can share that with him and my son. I want to devote myself to being a wonderful mom and an amazing wife!